Angry of River Valley Road writes...

Hilarious. Someone said 'you should send that to the papers'. So I did. And they published it...

Like Singapores drivers needed any more encouragement...

(Click map to enlarge)

Well, it's finally come to fruition. The worst kept secret this year has been confirmed, F1 is coming to Singapore. As widely reported, the race will be a street circuit, passing all the downtown landmark areas, and may also be a night race, essentially the first of its kind. Well Singapore wouldn't want anything that is second hand...


Beatrice is obviously happy as it means a large resurfacing programme so she can skate there (I assume when the cars aren't practising). My concern is what will happen to the already shocking standards of Singaporean drivers, who consider wing and rear view mirrors to be a pointless addition to their car, and on the basis of the evidence presented find the use of indicators to be a baffling complexity they could well do without. Indeed Fernando Alonso would do well to spend some of his practise time prior to the GP trying to drive from Changai Airport via the ECP at rush hour. I guarantee he would learn a trick or two about overtaking kiasu drivers who hold their lanes no matter what, it could only be invaluable experience for him chasing down Kimi Raikkonen. Perhaps he could try turning right into Orchard Road from the straight on lane to Scotts Road, a skill normally reserved for cars who think it may save them an extra 12 seconds on their journey. This would, I suggest, be useful for those busy start lines. Weaving in and out of traffic to finally get one car ahead of the queue? A trip up the PIE at 8.30am would be excellent practise. And finally, no F1 driver in Singapore should do without a day as a taxi driver, cutting sharply across 3 lanes of traffic and screeching to a halt to pick up a fare will shave valuable seconds off those refulling pit stops.

By the way, it looks like hotels will be somewhat ramping up their room rates during the F1 season. The is of course a very reasonable option here in River Valley Road. I'm not saying we're exactly trackside like say the Ritz Carlton, and I'm not saying that we may not impose a staying tax :-) but best to get your requests for September/ early October 2008 in early before I start advertising the spare room out in the overseas papers...

Follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail

Vietnam has an air about it that I haven't experienced travelling for a long time - I can best describe it as a 'Wild West' feeling circa goldrush times. In HCMC everything is a bit crazy and there is definitely something happening somewhere and everyone seems in a hurry to get there. The countryside contrasts completely, the pace of life is slow but the life is tougher, well more basic anyway. In HCMC you'll see the odd BMW (the showroom had one solitary 750 sitting in the middle of the floor) and trendy people using Wifi in coffee shops where your (my) cappuccino costs double the price of a meal on a street corner. In the Mekong people still in some cases live in coconut thatched single room huts and farm by hand or with ages old machinery. Everywhere a suprising amount of people were wearing more traditional garb, especially the conical hats which Vietnam is famous for (which as they shield you from sun and the rain makes a lot of sense). The country and people are very photogenic, there is always something happening and many things that don't correlate to anything you are really familiar with. I took a lot of pictures on this trip, the album for this portion of the trip is available here.

Averaging it out, I'd say the country seems to be about the 1950's, which oddly is where Cuba is in many ways and I wonder if this is an upshot of being a being a Communist country stuck behind trade restrictions and embargoes? One interesting facet of this is that there are repair shops for conceivable item everywhere - everything is fixed not discarded wherever possible.

One thing that there are plenty of shops for buying and repairing is the ubiquitous Underbone motorcycles. I have never been anywhere where such a high proportion of the traffic is comprised of these as you can see from the pictures. Typically, they are the workhorse for the nation and I saw the craziest loads being balanced on these small machines - my favourite was a guy with a fridge freezer, followed by a guy with a washing machine. Try picking up your washing machine. Now imagine balancing a scooter in traffic with that. They also allow families to be mobile. Most people spotted on one scooter - 5! The problem that Vietnam (India/ China) faces is when the population can afford cars or cars come down in price to meet wages. Thanks for ruining the world Tata Motors. Basically, whereas traffic can flow freely (give or take) at the moment, once you get everyone in cars the infrastucture will go into meltdown as it won't be able to cope. People won't be able to park. It will be hell.

Crossing the road is already a challenge in HCMC. There is a knack which is to walk slowly and predictably into the traffic, maintaining eye contact. The traffic will move to avoid you as long as you don't stop. Slightly unnerving at first. Note cars are already ignoring this unwritten rule - the mobile fortress concept seems to have been adopted in HCMC as well. So give way to cars. Click here to see how it's done.
We got into an amazing traffic jam on the way out of the city, a few people had ignored a box junction, then the other side piled in, then the other side as the lights changed and so on. In the end some people were moving the cars back and forth like a sliding puzzle, each time they got some space created, someone else would dart in, earning them the wrath of one of the organisers. The tailback was over 5km long after 15 minutes on Highway 1. Mind you, I did find some traffic lights that were all on (red, amber and green) at one point, which can only be considered confusing at best...


The remnants of the war are everywhere in HCMC. Where else can you get married in the shadow of a missile, right next to a tank? OK, probably a lot of places these days but it's a striking reminder of the conflict. The must see destination of in HCMC is the War Remnants Museum. It manages to take a very balanced look at the war, giving you the opportunity to gain an insight from the perspectives of the American/ South Coalition and the North. The gallery that I personally found most interesting was the display of many of the war photographers images. I'm not sure if any war has ever been so heavily covered from the frontlines in quite the same way, up close and distinctly personal. Especially striking was the work of Larry Burrows and Henri Huet, both killed in a helicopter crash during the war. The museum also highlights the plight and impact to the civilian population as well, not least of all the use of Agent Orange as a defoliant and the effect it had. All around HCMC you will see people begging and selling postcards who were born deformed as a result of the chemicals their mothers were exposed to.

It seems tough but Vietnam has had more than it's fair share of conflict as we discovered at the History museum. Beatrice found out the French had left a legacy of more than baguettes everywhere and I discovered that for once the British hadn't had a hand in messing up this particular country. I also discovered the rather amazing water puppets (you know me and puppets), traditionally performed in a flooded paddy field, but adapted for tourist viewing in a specially built theatre at the History museum.

We stayed at the Rex Hotel, a grand old hotel overlooking the town square, with a super kitsch rooftop bar. It's well worth a visit for a drink if you ever go to HCMC.

I bought one of these! It's amazing and I'm sadly in love with it. Expect to see the volume of photos going through the roof (apologies in advance), but also hopefully the quality also improving (once I've read the entire manual).

I can now walk around cities looking like a proper tourist and getting mugged on a regular basis.

Lee Kuan Yew Speaks...

Minister Mentor, Lee Kuan Yew addressed a group of young PAP members this week. He spoke on several topics including homosexuality and was quoted as saying 'In in fact it is true, and I have asked doctors this, that you are genetically born a homosexual, you can't help it - why should we criminalise it? We are now confronted with a persisting aberration. But is it an aberration? It's genetic variation. I think we pragmatically adjust, don't upset (the people), and suddenly upset their sense of propriety. But at the same time, let's not go around acting like the moral police.'

This seems to reflect a liberalisation of the views in Singapore around the Pantechnion community. It is also in line with the recent announcement that while homosexuality would remain illegal here, there would be less focus on prosecution, while between 'consenting adults in the privacy of their own bedrooms' (noting the emphasis on bedrooms - the same applies for the lesbians, for whom being gay is legal, but again only in their own bedrooms). It does beg the question, is the Singaporean gay community just unimaginative? Mind you, they will need to keep the windows closed, as you can still be prosecuted here for being seen through your curtains naked, gay or straight.

In a follow up quote this week, MM Lee said 'They tell me homosexuals are creative writers, dancers. If we want creative people then we have to put up with their idiosyncrasies.' Quite who 'they' are who supplied this sterling piece of wisdom was not revealed, but the hairdressers union is already reported to be up in arms.

'Wear Sunscreen' for the new millenium

I saw that Kurt Vonnegut had passed away last week. One piece of work that was erroneously attributed to him was a column from the Chicago Tribune, later set to music and released at the end of the 90's as a record, that starts (give or take) with the advice to 'wear sunscreen'.

Every decade 'needs' such a hero (hmm), so here is the candidate for the 00's...


Email subscribers, get it here

Singapore - getting cooler daily

When I came to Singapore I was pretty worried that I would be unable to find the kind of esoteric entertainment that I'd become so fond of in London (Hip Hip, Lost Vagueness, Punchdrunk to name a few).

While I think we are still some way off that level of kookiness, it's been heartening to see more experimentation in the arts. Last weekend there was a play utilising the moniker 'site specific', which in this case only meant sitting on the stage, but it's a start. There is a thriving arts community in place that is becoming increasingly more brave in critique of the government.

Anyway, as part of the 'Red' AIDS awareness campaign, Motorola got together with a bunch of local bands and DJs with Bugz in the Attic as headliners and put together a gig on the top of a downtown carpark, surrounded by the skyscrapers of the CBD. Best of all they made it totally free! I would say this was 'world class cool' - if this had been done in London or New York it would have been critically acclaimed. The only downside was that you had to register for tickets and being free (and Singapore) they easily got rid of the 1500 tickets. Equally, being Singapore a lot of people didn't show up or came and left (complaining it wasn't air conditioned), meaning that there were only a few hundred people there at the end.

Still, you have to start somewhere... enjoy the video (Click here).

Check out Das Pop, Check out Das Pop, Check Out Das Pop...

http://www.myspace.com/daspop

What's not to like..?

Popbitch say 'We can't stop listening to Das Pop. The Belgian band channel 60s Britpop energy, New York garage band attitude, Pet Shop Boys melodies and Magic Numbers sweetness, especially on perfect summer single You. Their forthcoming Soulwax-produced album is red-hot. '

I'm Lovin' It.

Well, I finally cracked. 142 days after arriving in Singapore, I went to McDonalds for food. I had a shitty day. As people who read my earlier travel diaries (as such things were known before the blogosphere took over the world) will know, at some point when travelling I usually go and see what the country I'm in offers as an alternative to a 'Royale wit'cheese'. Singapore doesn't appear to have an equivalent to a quarter pounder with cheese (they got the metric system...) though it didn't stop me forlornly asking for one and looking like the biggest tourist in the world. This of course caused a massive panic behind the counter, as it was a deviation from the script and Singaporeans in the service industry don't like that one bit. I could see the girl trying to work out what I could possibly mean and throwing out random items from the menu in order to meet my insistent demands for something totally alien to her comprehension. In what was a somewhat mean spirited gesture, I compounded the issue by offering the balance of the transaction in change to make the returning change an even dollar amount. Now this doesn't seem evil, but in fact it's a great way to get revenge on shop assistants here as it's not a common practise and it makes them do maths in their head, which they don't like very much, preferring to read off what the till tells them to give you.

The thing about going into McDonalds is that I always feel guilty. I always feel uncool. I always think that the people in there are looking at me, silently screaming 'you're eating crap' in their heads. It always takes me a while to realise that in fact they are also customers who have chosen to patronise the golden arches through choice and are in fact, probably looking forward to their McSpicys, which turned out to be the most esoteric thing on the menu, though as it was made of chicken I ruled that it couldn't be the 'Royale wit'cheese' equivalent. The other thing is that in Singapore you can eat much much better food for a lot less cash at any hawker centre you care to throw a kway teow at. Which shows you how shitty my day was.

The thing that I find really obscene (and this is probably to parry the low cost of hawker centres) is that you can get McDelivery here. ANYTHING from the menu, even if it is an apple pie at 1 SGD (about 30p). Sure they will charge you 2 SGD to deliver your order, but for your £1 a man will drive a fossil fuel consuming scooter to your over air conditioned place of work to stuff your fat face with an apple pie, 24hrs a day, 7 days a week. Nice.

Oddly, the McDonalds was full of children studying. I'm not sure if this is because the library had closed, or this is a different version of the Hamburger University that you read about but it was a bit odd. "Still", I thought. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" and pulled out my French coursework. Pass the chilli ketchup?

Chinese Villagers Show Remarkable Honesty...

From the local newspaper, it's clear that the road towards democracy in China may be a long and rocky one:

CHINESE VILLAGERS WANT BRIBERY BACK

Villagers in south-eastern China are up in arms after missing out on lucrative bribes during a recent village elections when candidates foreswore the practice at a temple, according to the Xiao Kang Communist Party magazine, reported Reuters. Villagers in Dingmei in Fujian province said they preferred getting the 1,000 yuan ($200) bribe from candidates rather than have a clean election, it said.

Star Guitar

I realised (too late) that I should have used The Chemical Brothers 'Starguitar' as the music for my train video if only to stay in keeping with their video. Re-watching the video I thought it was worth posting as it's pretty cool. The video describes a journey as seen from a train window, only the disposition of each passing element in the landscape is positioned exactly in sync with the music.

Every sound from the track is illustrated by an element of the landscape that appears each time that sound is heard. As the song becomes more elaborate, the landscape created becomes more and more complex. I think it bears a couple of watches.

All aboard

One of the things that I had wanted to do since starting to read about Singapore was to take the Orient Express from Singapore to Bangkok. I'd kind of filed it at the back of my mind so it was pretty surprising when some people we had met here invited us to go with them on the trip just after Chinese New Year. Given that the E&O company offers a 25% discount it seemed rude not to, so one day after arriving back from Bali we were packing our bags again.

As you can see our timing couldn't have been better. We had armed guards on the train at all times, just in case.

As the others waited to board, I took a walk up the platform to see the train. I'd obviously been expecting the train to look like the Hogwarts Express, but sadly it was a lot more practical than that, though given the size of the train I had to admit that it made sense. Each carriage has been beautifully built to the most opulent standards using the finest materials (I sound a bit like the brochure here). On our journey there were 11 sleeping cars, plus the bar car, the 2 dining cars, the lounge car, the observation car, the library car and the merchandising opportunity aka the boutique. It takes about 10 minutes to walk from one end of the train to the other. One of my favourite in train devices was a little hook for keeping the toilet seat raised. I guess the only thing that this proves is that train designers were men, but to me it speaks volumes.

Personally speaking I love train journeys (as long as I get a seat, the Tube doesn't count) and there was something extremely satisfying about doing a journey that you can make in a couple of hours by plane and stretching it out to be 48 hours long. It felt more like exploration harkened back to the days of Singapore just becoming established and a bit more like I thought that being in Asia might be like. It also makes the journey become the trip and less like a mode of just getting there. It seems so easy to jump onto a plane and be almost anywhere in the world in at most a couple of days. Although this doesn't explain how packages from America are taking a month to get here airmail.

Life on board is pretty easy and in some ways I felt a bit uneasy because the service was so good and omnipresent. Each sleeper car had a steward who looked after your every needs, brought you breakfast in bed, transformed your carriage from day to night (beds fold down out of the walls etc). Everywhere were staff who brought you drinks and snacks and each dining car had many waiting staff. Basically, what it all boiled down to is that this is the way that the colonists used to travel and it felt a bit wrong that Britain would march into any country that their mineral wealth took our fancy and then create a 5 star hotel atmosphere for themselves to boot. The other factor is that, as any fan of John Hughes movies knows, you come from the wrong side of the tracks and we're not talking about mountain tracks here. Perhaps naively I had a vision of the train passing through lush verdant jungle with monkeys swinging from tree to tree alongside the train and the odd parrot here and there. The reality is you also get to travel through some of the poorest areas of Malaysia and Thailand (Bangkok especially) and it feels a bit wrong to be sitting there with a gin and tonic while people are living in shacks by the train lines. Although it should be noted that our steward was called Weenus, which did make me laugh.

I mentioned the library car, and one of the things that I found there was this picture from an old newspaper. OK, ok, you caught me out. I persuaded everyone to dress up to the nines for dinner and managed to get quite a nice vintage look going. It's not exactly the Bethnal Green Working Mans club but it was nice to be dressing up again. The staff all thought that we looked fantastic and some of the other guests were impressed as well. The train had requested a jacket and tie and evening dress for ladies, so it was great to see this German couple who wore the same casual clothes for the entire weekend. We nicknamed them the 'Commando couple' and you can see Mr Commando looking a lot like Mussolini here at Butterworth, our first excursion stop.

Unfortunately, and probably through lessons learnt, the train company isn't so keen on allowing the passengers a free rein to explore. I suspect more than a few of them have missed trains that way, so the format of our trip from Butterworth to Penang Island was leave train, get on coach, get off coach, walk 20 metres down a street with no side turns, get into a rickshaw and get pedalled past the sites and then get dropped back at the coach again for the return journey. I would have preferred to have been given a map and gone to one or two of the sites on my own but I guess people are stupid and can't be trusted. The line up of rickshaws was funny (in a very sad tourist way) with some of our train brethren couples being, how to put this, too large to sit in one side by side and having to have the ignominy of one to themselves... Rickshaw riders are also known as the king of the roads, mostly due to their lack of respect for the traffic laws including as we found out, red lights. This doesn't mean that the other cars stop, it just means that you get to have cars heading straight at you. Thankfully it's all part of a system and no-one seems to get hurt.

Butterworth pretty much marks the end of Malaysia and to be honest I was looking forward to Thailand more. Malaysia is somewhat over exploited from a natural resources perspective and although we did get to pass through some of that dense jungle as the pictures show, for the most part the rainforest has been torn down and replaced with palm oil plantations. Biofuel car users take note. Where do you think bio diesel comes from..? Yes, your eco cars are helping the demise of the rainforest. Thailand on the other hand has replaced their forests with rice plains, which are much more picturesque, so that's ok then.

It's probably worth mentioning how nice the food was that we had on the train and considering it comes out of the same sized kitchen as a train in the UK, makes me wonder exactly how the food there can continue to be so sub-standard. From time to time we got a peek into the myriad of cupboards and what have you that contained a jigsaw of tools, food storage and wine cellars that keep the train moving in the manner to which it is accustomed.

The second excursion was to the 'Bridge over the River Kwai', providing the other tourists with an unexpected photo opportunity to get some pictures of the Orient Express crossing the bridge. Sadly due to a few delays en route although we were given the benefit of a free run of the museum and the war cemetery we didn't have a great deal of time to look around both, although both were very interesting. Ayako, a Japanese member of our party said she found the history side of the story very interesting and something that she hadn't really been aware of.

The really big difference that we observed between Thailand and Malaysia is that the people you pass all wave and smile at the train (particularly if you are on the open sided observation car) even in the Bangkok suburban slums. If you look at any of the pictures from the end of the trip you'll see the genuine smiles of welcome that we were flashed as we rolled past.

I uploaded a lot of photos here for this trip, as it was a bit special to me. However if you want to see an edited highlights video then click here.

You can also see the 'official' E&O video here, it gives you a good idea of what the trip is like. Obviously they spent a bit more on thier video budget than me...

A question

Is the Harley-Davidson Pantechnion the gayest motorcycle in the World? I think it might be.

Brought to you by the colour green

Taking the advice of everyone in Singapore, we decided to get out of a Chinese populated area over Chinese New Year. This isn't as crazy as it sounds, because unlike our version where drinking as many alcopops as possible is the order of the day and having yourself vigorously shaken upside down by club owners and taxi drivers, the Chinese actually spend the time with their families, often travelling significant distances to do so. The upshot of this is that it's impossible to get fed or find a taxi anywhere in Singapore, so we headed to Bali for the CNY break.

The trip did not get off to a flying start basically due to a last minute repack at check in by Beatrice in order to redistribute her baggage allowance to avoid paying the usurious excess baggage fees the low cost airlines inflict here. Two of her chosen methods of lightening her bag of heavy metallic objects was to pack her dive knife (attached to her dive regulator) and some sharp scissors in her hand luggage which were promptly picked up at the gate security. Being Asia, the ground staff very reasonably and helpfully offered to transport the items but as checked in luggage. Being Asia, they also forgot to put the bag onto the plane for us. Leaving us with a long, annoying wait at Denpasar airport for the next flight out of Singapore to bring us these items (plus Beatrice's toiletries, contact lenses etc that were also in the bag) as being a budget airline they had no intention of couriering us the bag when it arrived. You get what you pay for it seems. Respect to the driver from Tauch Terminal (where we stayed) who stoically waited for us to get the bag, and then let us fall asleep on the journey there, didn't crash from being so tired himself and the member of staff who waited up for us with a welcome drink and was still cheerful at 2am when we were so grumpy. You can see how nice the resort is at the webpage and there are a few pics at the holiday album here. Everyone was so nice and helpful the entire week and I can't say enough nice things about the manager Robert, who on hearing the Beatrice got sea sick, offered as an alternative to a boat ride to drive her overland to the dive site, and then drive some tablets out to her later so she could come back on the boat. This is in stark contrast to most UK operations who would sell your kit if you died on their boat, claiming salvage rights to the metal.

The resort is in a tiny village called Tulamben and is literally 3m from the sea. It is famous mostly for the wreck of the USS Liberty, coined as the worlds easiest wreck dive. Although the site is obviously a wreck, the proliferation of life on the ship really renders the dive more of a reef in many ways and for the most part the dives there concentrate on the marine creatures that live on the wreck. And what an amazing array of life there is in Tulamben Bay. In deference to the non divers, I've split the photos up again - so the diving album is here.

Orange frog fish	Deepwater lionfish
Juvenile Octopus on the run	Spot the seahorse (answer here)

So many creatures that I've always wanted to see were present, and many rarer forms of the ones I'm familiar with were also nonchalantly swimming around, unaware of how excited I was. I make no apologies for posting so many pictures of the pair of harlequin shrimp munching on a starfish arm, and to see baby octopus and cuttle fish (my favourite undersea animals anyway) was stupendous. The other sites in the bay, although wreck-less are equally amazing, with lava flow drop offs extending into the ocean and in other areas, piles of rocks with life nestling in nearly every cranny. One feature of the area is that it is volcanic (you can see the mighty and very holy volcano Agung in some of the pictures, especially dramatic when the clouds rolled back) and this leads to black sand which in turn leads to the sport of macro diving. This is an odd past time which can be best described as scouring what appears to be an initially black and featureless bottom for interesting and rare forms of life. What this leads to is you floating around with your head pointing down towards the sand for an hour or so, examining rocks and what have you to see if it is really some form of highly camouflaged animal. The prime spot in this area is called Seraya Secrets and we were lucky enough to do 3 dives there, including one night dive, which rates as one of the best dives I have ever done in terms of life to see. Added to this the resort supplies free Nitrox (a gas that allows you in simple terms to dive for longer than air at shallow depths), a water temperature of 30 degrees and we were clocking up dives of 90 minutes plus quite happily.

Another feature that will make hardened UK divers shiver with anger in their drysuits is that you don't even have to carry your tanks yourself if you don't want to. The famous tank women of Tulamben are more than capable of picking up 2 sets of kit, swinging them into position on their heads and navigating the boulders and cobbles of the beach without so much as looking down, and twice as fast as you can carry your fins and mask to the same spot. I had a different run in with the locals whilst Beatrice was resting during the afternoon. I'd decided to go and check out the village, which didn't turn out to take very long as it's really only a road with some houses and restaurants to cater to the dive trade along it. However I was drawn to the unmistakable sounds of a heavy bassline that appeared to be emanating from down the road. Sadly that bassline appeared to be associated with the Euro outfit 'Scooter' but I felt duty bound to investigate. What I found was a group of guys sitting in the garden underneath the mother of all sky dishes, with two whopping big speakers having themselves a bit of a mid afternoon party. What the video doesn't show (as I pan round) is the guy who gets up and walks over to me is presenting me with the worlds scariest looking drink and offering it to me and inviting me into the party. I'd like to say that I accepted, but the glass looked like it had been used for mixing paint and motor oil in and the drink looked like it would remove the paint from the glass if spilt.

Click to view video


I also went down to the beach near the temple where some local kids were swimming and throwing stones into the sea. I decided to do some stone skipping, which was approximately the equivalent of walking into a Japanese high school with a PS3 two weeks ahead of launch date and resulted in me being inundated with swarms of children who all demanded to be taught how to do the same thing. If anyone goes back to Bali and they are having the island stone skipping championships in a couple of years then you know where it started from.

We also took some time to head into Ubud, the artisans village in the centre of Bali. I'd actually been there with James a few years ago and I was quite shocked at how much the place has commercialised in the last few years, with extensive building and expansion of the arts and crafts galleries and many more upmarket restaurants and bars than my last visit. That said, it's dead easy to walk for 15 minutes or so and get out of the centre and this part of the trip, like Sesame Street, is brought to you by the colour green. Everything is so lush and verdant, from the lizards that we saw to the rice paddy fields we walked past. The monkey forest (a must do for any visitor) is incredible and the monkeys inhabit the temple of the dead, just like in Disney's version of the Jungle Book. Particularly fearsome statues of demons eating babies are found there, possibly to keep kids well behaved in Sunday school. On the way to the forest we bumped into two friends from Singapore, Nico and Ayako, which was pretty surprising.

We took in some traditional Balinese dancing for the evenings entertainment, which I have to say was pretty dull and not that inspiring. Performances are sometimes many hours long and to be honest even the tourist lite version of 90 minutes that we got left me shifting in my seat and fidgeting restlessly. It can be best described as someone beautifully dressed on stage, suffering from St Vitus Dance, whilst an orchestra drops bags of rusty plumbing instruments onto a harp from about 3 metres height (also known as the Gamelan orchestra). The audience was predominately Japanese tourists who all videoed the entire performance so they could inflict the same amount of pain on their families back home, or perhaps it was making a showing on the latest Japanese gameshow - 'How long can you listen to Gamelan for without yawning?'

We had booked into a self titled 'health resort', where we stayed in a cute little two storey villa which was open to the night sky on the top floor. Despite Beatrice worrying incessantly about mosquito invasion, the provided tent over the bed was very effective and the lack of sleeping under air conditioning meant I slept perhaps the soundest sleep I've had in months. This was a good job as we had a long, long journey back to Singapore, via Jakarta as we couldn't get direct flights. But there were at least plenty of taxis when we arrived.

Number 2 in an Occasional Series...

Click image to enlarge catchphrase...

Disgusted of River Valley Road writes...

Chinese New Year has finished now, and another swathe of sharks have been killed to provide soup for the Chinese. I did what any Singaporean would do in such a circumstance and burnt down all the sharks fin merchants I could find, then started a public riot. No, actually, I wrote to the newspaper. I don't hold out much hope for publication though as their advertisers might object. So in some ways I am also subject to a censored media. Or maybe my letter is the work of a fish obsessed freak.

One of the things that I do object to here is the censorship of the media. It makes for very dull reading. Headlines such as 'Everything is fine' and 'Greatness is up 14%' are hardly insightful journalism. Thankfully the Internet is almost totally uncensored here, I believe that a few adult sites may be blocked but have yet to put this to the test. I did meet a guy at some drinks whose company provides porn monitoring software (it's the pink pixels %, so stick to the Asian babes sites guys...) but that's as far as it goes. Apparently Singaporeans read a lot of blogs for the 'truth', but you still can't go and see a play yet that is critical of the administration.

We shipped my DVD collection out here. We were warned that DVDs can be subject to censorship and given the themes of my collection (death, drugs, destruction and violence - and that's just Scarface) I was pretty worried. Especially as the customs people charge you to watch the DVDs (much like James making his living), 3 USD an hour, then additionally more to make cuts. Though how you edit a DVD has never been satisfactorily explained to me. The one film in the collection that I wasn't worried about at the time was 'Zoolander', until I read that the film had been banned in Singapore. It appears this was only 'unbanned' last year. Read more at the link. Anyway all films came through unscathed which has to be indicative of Singapore lightening up a little or perhaps the customs guys were feeling expansive. Nethertheless I understand that 'Borat' has been subject to 20 minutes of cutting before getting an over 21's cinema release. I have a copy from Thailand so I'm not sure what state that is in. Even 'Pans Labyrinth' had a noticeable cut where the background music stopped suddenly, I have no idea what was removed.

Anyway, this is my letter:

Catching up on my reading, I read with some sadness the article in Today (February 7th) entitled 'Whale on our plates - how?' where the writer questioned how a restaurant could serve a protected species on their menu. A recent walk through Chinatown to enjoy the preparations for Chinese New Year showed a large increase in the numbers of shops and stalls offering sharks fin and sharks fin soup. It seems at odds that people are prepared to contribute to the extinction of one species through over consumption and yet leap to the defence of another.

Let's look at some of the facts. Currently more than 100 million sharks are taken from the seas each year - a rate at which they simply cannot survive. They cannot survive this onslaught because, unlike many other fish, most large sharks don't reach sexual maturity until seven years old or even later, and then only give birth to a few pups each year. Right now, they are simply being caught and killed faster than they can reproduce. Sharks are wild animals as are most fish we eat and are not farmed in a sustainable way. For a long time we have regarded the ocean as an unending source of food, but this has now been proven to be erroneous with the collapse of commercial fish stocks due to greedy overfishing. It is unknown how long the shark population will survive. Currently there are 18 species of shark on the Endangered Red List. Last year there were 11 species. With fishing techniques becoming more sophisticated and the demand for fins and meat at unprecedented levels, some species are rapidly moving towards extinction. By 2017 it is anticipated that 20 species of shark could become extinct due to hunting, indiscriminate fishing techniques and, ultimately, man's greed. That's only 10 years.

Todays article (February 15th) 'Chinese New Year feasting sends price of fish soaring' only highlights the plight of fish stocks in general. Demand rises due to Chinese New Year, but catches are less and less each year. Supply is diminishing so prices go up. Who cannot honestly say that the size of the fish they are served in restaurants has been steadily decreasing within their memory?

At the end of the day, it is our responsibility to safeguard the environment for our children. Do you want to be personally responsible for contributing to the extinction of a species? One day you may have to tell your children that we used to have sharks, but now there are non left for them to see for themselves. Paradoxically, the extremely high levels of mercury in shark fin can leave a man infertile so perhaps if we continue to eat sharks fin we won't be having children to tell this to anyway.

The Chinese character for shark contains a warning. It includes the two sub-characters 'less' and 'fish'. Time is running out for the sharks and only we can make a difference. Think about what you choose to eat over Chinese New Year and beyond.

Yours faithfully

Matt Tench

Summer's here already!

So far everyone I have had a video conference has said that I don't look very tanned. It's time to put the record straight on this - it's not that sunny here you know! Up to recently it's been raining a lot here, though I think we're coming out of the monsoon now and it's actually divine at the moment temperature and humidity wise. I've added a weather ticker to the blog so you can see what it's like here. This apparently doesn't last and it gets quite sticky as summer (such as it is) approaches. However Malaysia and Indonesia are under 3 plus metres of water (not sure if this is news in the UK) and literally 400,000 people have been evacuated in both countries.

Before I left the UK I bought an umbrella from James Smith and Sons and it's a magnificent beast. A Malacca cane handled 10 rib monster, that defeats even the hardiest monsoon downpour with impunity. The only problem is that the rain hits so hard that you can't be protected from the rebound, and your ankles get soaked. I've actually had to wade across a stream that was once Cairnhill Road when the rain got especially heavy. So with all the rain, you'd think it was pretty miserable right? Not so. It seems that if the rain is nice and warm, it doesn't get to you like the rain in the UK that penetrates your warmest jacket and chills you to the bone. You can still go out when it rains and wear shorts and flip flops.

An ode to the umbrella. And why you should own at least 4.

Video of Singaporean Monsoon



It's odd though because when it's sunny every day I feel no desire to go and smother myself in SPF and hit the loungers, because you know it'll be sunny tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. The other thing is, being equatorial the sun here is FIERCE when it comes out. In fact, when I have had opportunities to sun bathe (like Thailand over Xmas/ NY) I've tended to stay in the shade as much as possible, just because UV ages your skin terribly. You become conscious of your hands being in the sun and start using sunscreen on them. You do attract a tan just by being outside skating or wakeboarding etc but even my moisturiser is SPF20. However, it's fair to say that with the amount of sunshine you get your fair dose of vitamin D and vitamin happy. Maybe that's why Singaporeans are for the most part, a pretty happy bunch.

Torture Garden eat your heart out...

Last Thursday was the festival of Thaipusam in Singapore, held in honour of the Hindu God Subramaniam (Lord Murugan). It is observed as a day of prayers, thanksgiving for wishes granted, fulfilment of vows and for good health. You can bone up on the legend here, but this is basically the deal. You carry a pot of milk from one temple to another to offer to Lord Murugan. The thing is that the harder you make it for yourself, the more auspicious the offering becomes and the more benefits Lord Murugan will bestow on the carrier.

Now getting from one side of Singapore city to the other is usually fraught with its own inherent difficulties. Slow moving, 4 wide groups of Singaporean aunties causing great log jams of humanity in their wake on Orchard, louche black clad teenagers lounging around on any and every available staircase and the global phenomenon of the number of available taxis being inversely proportional to the amount of rain.

So you'd have to try quite hard to make the journey more difficult. So you do is you don what is basically a giant pyramid shaped mobile milk altar called a kavadi.


This weighs about 30kg. And then you fix it to yourself with some very sharp spokes that pierce your flesh.



Get some assorted friends and relatives to fasten some limes to your back in ordered rows. Not with double sided sticky tape Blue Peter fans. With needle sharp hooks. And then, just to make sure that you are really focussed on what you're doing, get your mouth pierced from side to side with a small spear, then from top to bottom via your tongue with another one.



These are the basics. Kavadis are limited to 2m in height in order to prevent one upmanship, but you can then pimp your kavadi out with as much bling as you can afford or carry, peacock feathers are very in vogue, as are gold chains connecting your hooks to the kavadi and assorted facial fruit kebabs.



The staging area in the temple for the kavadi bearers is an amazing riot of chanting, drums and music, as well as a heady mix of smells. The bearers periodically practise spinning ever faster, creating the image of a spinning top, although not one that you'd want to get too close to. I did see a 'First Aid Post' sign, but seriously, what kind of injury would you have to take there to get any attention? 'I'm sorry sir, but your papercut will have to wait until I've seen these 200 other gentlemen with citrus fruits impaled in their backs.'

Click to see VIDEO 1



Every so often a crowd will congregate around a kavadi and owner, jamming video cameras and cameraphones into the supplicants face in order to catch the moment of the skewering. Usually a male (though I did see one woman with a skewer), his friends all pack in around him, chanting 'Vel, Vel' (spear, spear), enhancing the trance that the devotee has put himself into. He shows no pain and amazingly not one drop of blood is drawn from any of the piercings, no matter how large the implement used.

Click to see VIDEO 2



The kavadis then proceed out of the temple, followed by their supporters and into Singaporean airspace, under the watchful eye of the authorities. Here, drums and musical instruments are prohibited and the kavadis are herded into a fenced off area down the side of Serangoon Road. Cheekily from time to time, the supporters will break into some chanting and singing to gee up their bearer, who more often than not has been forced to stop his already arduous journey by the traffic lights changing to red, well this is Singapore and the car reigns supreme. Some scaling back of the mortification means that in Singapore at least devotees are not allowed to pull the spike/ chariot kavadis by themselves, instead their supporters pull them but also pull back on the hooks to offer some resistance for them.

Following up from my 'cellphone in the gym' story, I think I've managed to top it already. How about this? Now, my question is who was calling and what was said? Maybe Lord Murugan has kept pace with the times and is just checking up:

Lord Murugan: 'Hi, I'm just calling to check that you're in sufficient pain and the milk is on the way, it's just that I have Vishnu coming round for tea at 7pm and I'm a bit low on milk at the moment what with Ganesh drinking it all'

Devotee: 'Mmmm mmmm mmmm'

You can take a look at the rest of the pictures here on Fotki and VIDEO 3 (procession) and VIDEO 4 (getting ready). Another day in Singapore, highlighting what the city does best, never failing to amaze and surprise.

Number 1 in an Occasional Series...

Click image to enlarge catchphrase...

(Ps - Number 1 James)

A conversation (A play from Singapore)

1.

PAN SHOT THROUGH WINDOW to INT. HOTEL ROOM IN THAILAND - NIGHT. Outside it is just starting to rain. A couple, Max and Beatrix are discussing their holiday plans. She is flicking through some travel magazines. He is getting ready to go out.

BEATRIX
What's that temple called? Anchor something?

MAX
Wat

BEATRIX
You know, the one in Cambodia. Anchor?

MAX
Wat

BEATRIX
FRUSTRATION STARTS TO RISE IN HER VOICE

The temple. In Cambodia. ANCHOR SOMETHING!

MAX
Wat

BEATRIX
NOW EXASPERATED, SPEAKING AS IF TO A CHILD

What is the name of the temple in Cambodia that is called Anchor
something?

MAX
SHOWING EXTREME PATIENCE

Angkor Wat

BEATRIX
The temple....

REALISATION DAWNS

Ohhhhhhhhh

***The End***