Number 3 in an Occasional Series of Catchphrases

Something like a phenomenon...

Will it blend..?

Following the untimely demise of my old blender due to some French impatience, I was 'persuaded' to acquire a new blender. To be fair, ever since buying the new model my fruit consumption in the form of smoothies has gone so high that I am beginning to feel somewhat like an orang-utan, but I expect it's good for me.

Anyway, I treated myself to the most powerful one in Singapore, but that is nothing compared to the amazing Blendtec blenders. You can see an example of their awesome power here but there are many fun videos to check out. Just choose your favourite. For the record I did enquire to the company about getting one in Singapore, but they rocked in at $400 plus shipping and VAT so that plan was sadly out.

Sacred Monsters

We watched 'Sacred Monsters' as part of the Singapore Arts Festival last night and I have to say that I have never seen anyone dance like Sylvie Guillem. If you ever get the chance to see the show or her dance I thoroughly recommend it. Her schedule leads me to believe that the show originated in Sadlers Wells so it seems unlikely but she's London based so you never know.

Why so amazing? Well she's famous for her 180 degree leg lifts, but it was the sheer poise and grace of each movement and the transitions between them that captivated me. It's going to be hard watching any dance and not making a comparison.

The show is also quite funny at times and has the bonus of 5 musicians on stage providing an excellent Asian fusion soundtrack, where the dance both plays with and off the music. We were also treated to a rare Q&A afterwards by the performers. Checking out Sylvie's website, it is also quite clear that she is quite bonkers.

A full review here of the show and a short piece from Time magazine here. I found there are lots of videos of her dancing on Youtube, one modern piece which showcases her ballet talents as well and explains why she stands out in the modern dance oeuvre is here.

As a double bonus on the way home we also found a very cool bar buried in the far edges of Chinatown amongst the bridal shops and KTV bars. You could almost have been in Shoreditch, except all the Asians would have been Japanese, not Chinese, but it proves there are flourishing underground movements in Singapore and you don't have to go the 'entertainment hubs'. Beers were also the cheapest I have found yet :-)

Eurotrip

I have created a Google Calendar called 'Eurotrip' for our forthcoming return to Europe. I'm still getting the hang of Google Apps, but you should be able to view it by clicking the button in the left hand navigation, or you can access a static version by clicking here.

In theory you can use it to work out where we are and book time with us etc. but that sounds a but too much like being at work :-) Make use of it as you will...

Daddy, what did you do in the war..?

In stark contrast to the previous two days to save some money we headed into the backpacker district and booked ourselves onto a $4 tour to the Cu Chi tunnels. Wikipedia has a great article on the tunnels that explains all about them and their role in the war against the French and later the Southern coalition.



The tour starts with a video which I expected to be something along the lines of the Wikipedia information. Instead, what you are presented with is quite frankly a propaganda video from the North Vietnamese which could have been made during the conflict. It takes a hard line tone 'evil American soldiers here to kill the innocent farmers' and also talks about killing the Americans via traps and what have you. It was amazing that given the countries opening up to tourism, and the relative neutrality of the War Remnants museum that this was still being shown. I would say that 30% of the tourists actually walked out during the showing, I assume the Americans. Still, if you win the war you get to write your own history right?

We then went onto the tunnels area proper. We were shown an actual size tunnel, and allowed to get into it, but (thankfully) due to the whistle stop, pile ‘em high, sell ‘em cheap nature of the tour weren't allowed to go through it for times sake. As one guy remarked 'I didn't spend $4 to watch a bunch of people in a hole' but not being one for spaces where I can't turn round in, I was glad.

Its a hard call to make as to how people feel about the war and the 'liberation' as it is referred to when you consider that the people in the south lost the conflict. I really would have liked to ask the people we met what they were doing at that time but I think it's the one question you just can't ask. Sadly a group of Dutch(?) did just that of our guide who clearly would have been fighting age at the time. No matter what your role, the memories that this is going to bring up must be horrific. Our guide, clearly unhappy with the question said that he hadn't fought (which may or may not be true) but was conscripted as an interpreter. Even if that's true, my guess is that he would have been present at interrogations and the Americans were prone to dealing out proxy justice to suspected VC.

When you tour the tunnels you have the opportunity to buy and fire live ammunition on a firing range. When the guide asked who wanted to do this most of the tour group muttered and dispersed to the gift shop and interestingly, the only group who actually wanted to do this were exclusively young, American and male. How could they possibly miss the self parody of PAYING to go to Vietnam to fire guns in the jungle? The youngest had a look of sheer joy on his face from the moment he was handed his rounds and throughout the experience. I preferred the attitude of one of the younger girls in the group who had decided to make a blown out tank barrel into a makeshift slide.

And so to the tunnels. Well, we went into the tunnels and I made it all the way (90m) to the end which I was very proud of myself for. Beatrice elected to leave after the first 30m and I can see why. Even enlarged for tourist frames they were hot, cramped and hard to move through. In places they were totally dark and you can imagine what it might have been like to be living or fighting in them. Just. At the end of the day the hardships that both sides endured were evident and I'm glad that Vietnam has finally put it's years of conflict behind it. As you can tell from the number of pictures I took and the amount I wrote from a short visit it's a truly beautiful country and I hope to go back to see more of it. Go and see it now before their desire to become 'modern' changes it everything.

Not like popping down to Tescos

I think I alluded to the many rivers that make up the Mekong delta (well it's a delta durrr), but what amazed me was the sheer way in which the river has been harnessed by the people of the area. Whether through necessity (it's in the way so we may as well make use of it) or practicality (it's in the way so we may as well make use of it) it's a working waterway, of that I have no doubt. We actually saw the components of a new powerstation being transported on large barges down the river. Quicker than the M25 at any rate. I expect that if you had gone back in time in London you would have found a similar story with the Thames, and I also expect the Thames would have looked a similar colour and been equally full of rubbish. We were told (and witnessed) that apart from drinking and cooking, anything else involving water comes from and goes into the river. Many houses back onto the river and I kind of imagine that the dustpan is just outside the door. It's apparently sustainable now but realistically as Vietnam expands economically for how long? I couldn't get tired of taking boats around the river which we did on several occasions (even with the bikes) and looking at the haphazard buildings, many of them no more than shacks made of coconut matting and wood, perched on stilts at the waters edge. Shacks they may have been, but you could see a forest of TV aerials everywhere you looked.

We got up early on day two of our cycling trip for a visit to Cai Rang floating market. It's not so much a scene from Waterworld, more a collection of boats who use the waterways to bring produce from the farms and then congregate to sell it on. There were two kinds of buyers, the people who lived on the waterways themselves and the wholesalers, who then take the produce to the land where it is sold onto the land bound folks. I don't know what the mark up is though! Each boat generally sold one type of good and to indicate what they sell they have a sample attached to the top of a long pole so people can see it. Other boats motored around like a Pret a Manger on water, making sandwiches and drinks for the hungry traders.

After the market, we took a detour up a side channel and stopped off at one of the farms, which was run by a tiny, perma grin Vietnamese version of Yoda. He didn't stop cackling the whole time he was giving us a tour of the farm. The farm itself looked more like a jungle, but then I guess that's the way things grow here. One thing is for sure, the reason the delta is so populated is because of the fertility of the soil. Although several generations of the farmer’s family were buried in the garden, personally speaking I would have half been expecting them to be springing back to life once they'd been planted. Now I grew up in a farming region and I'm no stranger to markets, but it stuck me that I didn't really know where a lot of the 'exotic fruits' come from, by which I mean what they grow on. I can honestly say that I have never seen a pineapple bush before - I always assumed they would be from a tree. It's quite an odd sight.

Beatrice happened to mention that she loved mangoes and although we were due some fruits as part of the tour, a comparison to the couple next to us showed that the mango comment had netted us the best, juiciest, yellowiest, most succulent mangoes ever in the world, straight from the tree. And as an added bonus we also got some tea, and some wine. Ah yes the wine. If you click on the picture and take a look in the bottle, you might be able to see the snake in there. And the spider. Oh, and the crowning glory, the dead bird. Beatrice didn't finish her wine, shame on her...maybe it was because she had met some of the snakes live cousins earlier that the farmer had collected. Maybe... If anyone is wondering why the second to last picture in the photo album for the entry is of a washroom mirror, this is actually to prove that in public toilets you get a unique service, that of a communal comb. In some cases, you also get the free use of a communal toothbrush and toothpaste. Takes away the taste of snake wine nicely. Mmmm, minty...

So long and thanks for all the fish...

(Click article to enlarge)

So anyone who has ever eaten out with me will know my attitude towards commercial fishing and the devastating effects it is having on fish stocks, and the gloomy probability that in our lifetime, certain fish species are likely to be eaten to extinction.

There is an interesting 'new' twist too, as referenced by Pierre Gagnaire of 3 Michelin star restaurant Balzac in Paris, that the super rich will soon have to put up with tasteless fish (as all the tasty wild ones will have gone) and chefs will have to (shock horror) adapt their cooking techniques to cover up the tastes.

No mention at all of perhaps eating less fish, or even at least using suppliers who source sustainably? Nice one Pierre.

It's an opportune time to bring up the subject, as the Marine Conservation Society have just updated their website to give you the fullest picture of the situation and a lot of detail about the best species to eat and those to avoid for the present. It's at http://www.fishonline.org/.

If you think that you might not want to have this conversation with your kids:

- 'Mummy, Daddy, what was a tuna? We were talking about them at school today'

- 'Ah we ate them all a decade or so ago, sorry about that kids, never mind, plenty more where they came from'

- 'So what's a dodo then..?'

and you only have 2 minutes to spare, then download the handy 'cut out n keep' pocket guide at http://www.fishonline.org/information/MCSPocket_Good_Fish_Guide.pdf

Cycling in the Mekong

In order to experience a different pace of life and to see more of the country Beatrice and myself had booked a 2 day cycling tour with Sinhbalo Adventures. First things first - I would recommend them whole heartedly. They got us our hotels all weekend, at a discount and even got us upgraded on our return to HCMC to a suite. Everything about Ngee (the guide) and Fon (the driver) was excellent; we had a lot of fun and as the sole tourers got great personal attention.

We took National Highway 1 out of HCMC, and bearing in mind that it was a national holiday it was unbelievably busy. Most people were commuting on scooters but there were plenty of cars as well. At one point we hit the most amazing traffic jam at a busy crossroads. One or two cars had jumped the lights and got stuck, then a few more though 'I'll have a bit of that' and before you could say 'hang on there chaps, let's have a bit of order' there was absolute carnage as everyone ignored the red lights and made a dash for it, paralysing the N1. Even the scooters couldn't make it through as they filled up the gaps like water in sand. It took the combined efforts of several citizens leaping out of their vehicles and taking control to restore a semblance of order, although each time they got one person to reverse, 3 more would make a break for the gap created to the intense rage of the guy directing the traffic.

The tailback lasted about 10km and as we passed it we were passed by a motorcycle gang on their way to somewhere in convoy. I blazed away with the camera and some of them gave me the thumbs up, others ignored me studiously. The last guy in line turned out to be a traffic cop, and I expected to get a telling off, but he was grinning and showing off, I half expected him to pull a wheelie...

There were numerous roadside stands en route and I noticed people pulling over at dense groves of trees. It took a couple of goes to realise what they were - basically if you own a stand of roadside trees, then it appears you create a hammock grove! Each tree had brightly coloured hammocks strung between them and a bar at the back with waitress service to your hammock. It's a great idea and I think the idea should be open for franchise.

On the way Beatrice noticed that a lot of the new houses had been constructed with absolutely no windows in at all at the sides, or often the back, just featureless walls. The houses had a large window at the front but that was it. I'm stumped for an explanation. The houses are already constructed so closely together you couldn't build another property in the space so it can't be for that reason. I don't think Vietnam has a window tax. And there was no consistency to the orientation so it can't be to avoid the sunshine. Answer in the comments box please.

Roads aside, we were there for the countryside. The Mekong delta is amazing, we flew over it on the way into HCMC just after sunrise and the light reflected from the waterways like giant glistening slug trails on moss - take a look for yourself at the wonderful Flashearth. The map is centred on Can Tho where we stayed overnight. What you can pick out is the myriad of tiny rivers and streams and channels that make up the delta and it was amongst these that we were cycling. They were pretty full while we were there as we were 'lucky' enough to be there for a full on rainstorm.

My waterproof walking shoes proved to be fantastic, until they filled with water running down my legs and of course then refused to drain. Another idea waiting to be patented there - one way valves on shoes. In the end we pulled into the first shop/ hut we could find - by amazing coincidence it was a bike repair shop. The woman leapt out of her hammock, convinced that she was about to retire on the proceeds of fixing 3 mountain bikes but was sadly disappointed to find out we were just avoiding the worst of the rain. She still let us stay though and hopped back in her hammock.

Cycling is probably the best way to see this part of the world. Although a lot of tourists make it out of HCMC, they all come on coaches and get transported around on big boats. What better way to get with the locals than to travel like most of them do? Admittedly we stood out somewhat as we were (a) brightly lycra clad and (b) travelling at twice the pace of all the other bicycles but what amazed me the most was that as we went past kids would come running out of the house, shouting 'hello, hello' at us. And it wasn't just the kids. We stopped in a small (read 4 houses) village to take a few pictures of some ducks and the whole village came out to see what was going on - all 3 generations of them stood round staring at us. We were a bonafide novelty.

You'll notice a couple more pictures of us cycling ( photo album is here) and may wonder 'how did he do that'? Well on day 2 I left my camera in the bus on the seat. As I was cycling along I was amazed to see a guy with a Nikon D80 at the side of the road taking pictures of us. 'Cool, I thought, we ARE a proper tourist attraction'. Then I realised that he was standing by a white minibus and then I realised that he looked very familiar. Yep, the driver had decided to liven up his day by driving ahead of us and then getting into position to take some shots as we passed him.

We stayed overnight in Can Tho, but getting there proved more problematic as we had to take a ferry to cross one of the river channels. The queue for the ferry was enormous and it looked like the hot shower that we'd been looking forward to was a long way off yet. In the end Ngee came up with a brilliant idea - we'd take what we needed to get cleaned up and dry, hike through the traffic to the ferry and get a Xe Loi (old motorcycle rickshaw) to the hotel, which is exactly what we did. On the ferry Beatrice made friends with an old lady, when she put down a leaflet for her on the wet bench so that she could sit down, which, once the barriers had been removed inspired a group of people to start asking questions of her, including 'are you going to invest in my country?'.

Can Tho was in full swing for the Independence day eve celebrations that night with a concert in the streets right next to a giant silver statue of 'Uncle Ho' although everyone had turned up on their scooters and rather than parking them, just watched from their scooters, like a giant drive in gig. Or was it a gig in front of a traffic jam? It was hard to tell.

We actually managed to be in Vietnam on Independence Day, which we were expecting to be a huge celebration, or perhaps to find everything closed but the reality in the Mekong at least was much more 'business as usual'. Whether a function of the south regarding 'Independence' as colonisation, or just being too damn busy to take a day off work here is 2 minutes and 19 seconds of Independence Day in Vietnam.

Angry of River Valley Road writes...

Hilarious. Someone said 'you should send that to the papers'. So I did. And they published it...

Like Singapores drivers needed any more encouragement...

(Click map to enlarge)

Well, it's finally come to fruition. The worst kept secret this year has been confirmed, F1 is coming to Singapore. As widely reported, the race will be a street circuit, passing all the downtown landmark areas, and may also be a night race, essentially the first of its kind. Well Singapore wouldn't want anything that is second hand...


Beatrice is obviously happy as it means a large resurfacing programme so she can skate there (I assume when the cars aren't practising). My concern is what will happen to the already shocking standards of Singaporean drivers, who consider wing and rear view mirrors to be a pointless addition to their car, and on the basis of the evidence presented find the use of indicators to be a baffling complexity they could well do without. Indeed Fernando Alonso would do well to spend some of his practise time prior to the GP trying to drive from Changai Airport via the ECP at rush hour. I guarantee he would learn a trick or two about overtaking kiasu drivers who hold their lanes no matter what, it could only be invaluable experience for him chasing down Kimi Raikkonen. Perhaps he could try turning right into Orchard Road from the straight on lane to Scotts Road, a skill normally reserved for cars who think it may save them an extra 12 seconds on their journey. This would, I suggest, be useful for those busy start lines. Weaving in and out of traffic to finally get one car ahead of the queue? A trip up the PIE at 8.30am would be excellent practise. And finally, no F1 driver in Singapore should do without a day as a taxi driver, cutting sharply across 3 lanes of traffic and screeching to a halt to pick up a fare will shave valuable seconds off those refulling pit stops.

By the way, it looks like hotels will be somewhat ramping up their room rates during the F1 season. The is of course a very reasonable option here in River Valley Road. I'm not saying we're exactly trackside like say the Ritz Carlton, and I'm not saying that we may not impose a staying tax :-) but best to get your requests for September/ early October 2008 in early before I start advertising the spare room out in the overseas papers...

Follow the Ho Chi Minh Trail

Vietnam has an air about it that I haven't experienced travelling for a long time - I can best describe it as a 'Wild West' feeling circa goldrush times. In HCMC everything is a bit crazy and there is definitely something happening somewhere and everyone seems in a hurry to get there. The countryside contrasts completely, the pace of life is slow but the life is tougher, well more basic anyway. In HCMC you'll see the odd BMW (the showroom had one solitary 750 sitting in the middle of the floor) and trendy people using Wifi in coffee shops where your (my) cappuccino costs double the price of a meal on a street corner. In the Mekong people still in some cases live in coconut thatched single room huts and farm by hand or with ages old machinery. Everywhere a suprising amount of people were wearing more traditional garb, especially the conical hats which Vietnam is famous for (which as they shield you from sun and the rain makes a lot of sense). The country and people are very photogenic, there is always something happening and many things that don't correlate to anything you are really familiar with. I took a lot of pictures on this trip, the album for this portion of the trip is available here.

Averaging it out, I'd say the country seems to be about the 1950's, which oddly is where Cuba is in many ways and I wonder if this is an upshot of being a being a Communist country stuck behind trade restrictions and embargoes? One interesting facet of this is that there are repair shops for conceivable item everywhere - everything is fixed not discarded wherever possible.

One thing that there are plenty of shops for buying and repairing is the ubiquitous Underbone motorcycles. I have never been anywhere where such a high proportion of the traffic is comprised of these as you can see from the pictures. Typically, they are the workhorse for the nation and I saw the craziest loads being balanced on these small machines - my favourite was a guy with a fridge freezer, followed by a guy with a washing machine. Try picking up your washing machine. Now imagine balancing a scooter in traffic with that. They also allow families to be mobile. Most people spotted on one scooter - 5! The problem that Vietnam (India/ China) faces is when the population can afford cars or cars come down in price to meet wages. Thanks for ruining the world Tata Motors. Basically, whereas traffic can flow freely (give or take) at the moment, once you get everyone in cars the infrastucture will go into meltdown as it won't be able to cope. People won't be able to park. It will be hell.

Crossing the road is already a challenge in HCMC. There is a knack which is to walk slowly and predictably into the traffic, maintaining eye contact. The traffic will move to avoid you as long as you don't stop. Slightly unnerving at first. Note cars are already ignoring this unwritten rule - the mobile fortress concept seems to have been adopted in HCMC as well. So give way to cars. Click here to see how it's done.
We got into an amazing traffic jam on the way out of the city, a few people had ignored a box junction, then the other side piled in, then the other side as the lights changed and so on. In the end some people were moving the cars back and forth like a sliding puzzle, each time they got some space created, someone else would dart in, earning them the wrath of one of the organisers. The tailback was over 5km long after 15 minutes on Highway 1. Mind you, I did find some traffic lights that were all on (red, amber and green) at one point, which can only be considered confusing at best...


The remnants of the war are everywhere in HCMC. Where else can you get married in the shadow of a missile, right next to a tank? OK, probably a lot of places these days but it's a striking reminder of the conflict. The must see destination of in HCMC is the War Remnants Museum. It manages to take a very balanced look at the war, giving you the opportunity to gain an insight from the perspectives of the American/ South Coalition and the North. The gallery that I personally found most interesting was the display of many of the war photographers images. I'm not sure if any war has ever been so heavily covered from the frontlines in quite the same way, up close and distinctly personal. Especially striking was the work of Larry Burrows and Henri Huet, both killed in a helicopter crash during the war. The museum also highlights the plight and impact to the civilian population as well, not least of all the use of Agent Orange as a defoliant and the effect it had. All around HCMC you will see people begging and selling postcards who were born deformed as a result of the chemicals their mothers were exposed to.

It seems tough but Vietnam has had more than it's fair share of conflict as we discovered at the History museum. Beatrice found out the French had left a legacy of more than baguettes everywhere and I discovered that for once the British hadn't had a hand in messing up this particular country. I also discovered the rather amazing water puppets (you know me and puppets), traditionally performed in a flooded paddy field, but adapted for tourist viewing in a specially built theatre at the History museum.

We stayed at the Rex Hotel, a grand old hotel overlooking the town square, with a super kitsch rooftop bar. It's well worth a visit for a drink if you ever go to HCMC.

I bought one of these! It's amazing and I'm sadly in love with it. Expect to see the volume of photos going through the roof (apologies in advance), but also hopefully the quality also improving (once I've read the entire manual).

I can now walk around cities looking like a proper tourist and getting mugged on a regular basis.

Lee Kuan Yew Speaks...

Minister Mentor, Lee Kuan Yew addressed a group of young PAP members this week. He spoke on several topics including homosexuality and was quoted as saying 'In in fact it is true, and I have asked doctors this, that you are genetically born a homosexual, you can't help it - why should we criminalise it? We are now confronted with a persisting aberration. But is it an aberration? It's genetic variation. I think we pragmatically adjust, don't upset (the people), and suddenly upset their sense of propriety. But at the same time, let's not go around acting like the moral police.'

This seems to reflect a liberalisation of the views in Singapore around the Pantechnion community. It is also in line with the recent announcement that while homosexuality would remain illegal here, there would be less focus on prosecution, while between 'consenting adults in the privacy of their own bedrooms' (noting the emphasis on bedrooms - the same applies for the lesbians, for whom being gay is legal, but again only in their own bedrooms). It does beg the question, is the Singaporean gay community just unimaginative? Mind you, they will need to keep the windows closed, as you can still be prosecuted here for being seen through your curtains naked, gay or straight.

In a follow up quote this week, MM Lee said 'They tell me homosexuals are creative writers, dancers. If we want creative people then we have to put up with their idiosyncrasies.' Quite who 'they' are who supplied this sterling piece of wisdom was not revealed, but the hairdressers union is already reported to be up in arms.

'Wear Sunscreen' for the new millenium

I saw that Kurt Vonnegut had passed away last week. One piece of work that was erroneously attributed to him was a column from the Chicago Tribune, later set to music and released at the end of the 90's as a record, that starts (give or take) with the advice to 'wear sunscreen'.

Every decade 'needs' such a hero (hmm), so here is the candidate for the 00's...


Email subscribers, get it here

Singapore - getting cooler daily

When I came to Singapore I was pretty worried that I would be unable to find the kind of esoteric entertainment that I'd become so fond of in London (Hip Hip, Lost Vagueness, Punchdrunk to name a few).

While I think we are still some way off that level of kookiness, it's been heartening to see more experimentation in the arts. Last weekend there was a play utilising the moniker 'site specific', which in this case only meant sitting on the stage, but it's a start. There is a thriving arts community in place that is becoming increasingly more brave in critique of the government.

Anyway, as part of the 'Red' AIDS awareness campaign, Motorola got together with a bunch of local bands and DJs with Bugz in the Attic as headliners and put together a gig on the top of a downtown carpark, surrounded by the skyscrapers of the CBD. Best of all they made it totally free! I would say this was 'world class cool' - if this had been done in London or New York it would have been critically acclaimed. The only downside was that you had to register for tickets and being free (and Singapore) they easily got rid of the 1500 tickets. Equally, being Singapore a lot of people didn't show up or came and left (complaining it wasn't air conditioned), meaning that there were only a few hundred people there at the end.

Still, you have to start somewhere... enjoy the video (Click here).

Check out Das Pop, Check out Das Pop, Check Out Das Pop...

http://www.myspace.com/daspop

What's not to like..?

Popbitch say 'We can't stop listening to Das Pop. The Belgian band channel 60s Britpop energy, New York garage band attitude, Pet Shop Boys melodies and Magic Numbers sweetness, especially on perfect summer single You. Their forthcoming Soulwax-produced album is red-hot. '

I'm Lovin' It.

Well, I finally cracked. 142 days after arriving in Singapore, I went to McDonalds for food. I had a shitty day. As people who read my earlier travel diaries (as such things were known before the blogosphere took over the world) will know, at some point when travelling I usually go and see what the country I'm in offers as an alternative to a 'Royale wit'cheese'. Singapore doesn't appear to have an equivalent to a quarter pounder with cheese (they got the metric system...) though it didn't stop me forlornly asking for one and looking like the biggest tourist in the world. This of course caused a massive panic behind the counter, as it was a deviation from the script and Singaporeans in the service industry don't like that one bit. I could see the girl trying to work out what I could possibly mean and throwing out random items from the menu in order to meet my insistent demands for something totally alien to her comprehension. In what was a somewhat mean spirited gesture, I compounded the issue by offering the balance of the transaction in change to make the returning change an even dollar amount. Now this doesn't seem evil, but in fact it's a great way to get revenge on shop assistants here as it's not a common practise and it makes them do maths in their head, which they don't like very much, preferring to read off what the till tells them to give you.

The thing about going into McDonalds is that I always feel guilty. I always feel uncool. I always think that the people in there are looking at me, silently screaming 'you're eating crap' in their heads. It always takes me a while to realise that in fact they are also customers who have chosen to patronise the golden arches through choice and are in fact, probably looking forward to their McSpicys, which turned out to be the most esoteric thing on the menu, though as it was made of chicken I ruled that it couldn't be the 'Royale wit'cheese' equivalent. The other thing is that in Singapore you can eat much much better food for a lot less cash at any hawker centre you care to throw a kway teow at. Which shows you how shitty my day was.

The thing that I find really obscene (and this is probably to parry the low cost of hawker centres) is that you can get McDelivery here. ANYTHING from the menu, even if it is an apple pie at 1 SGD (about 30p). Sure they will charge you 2 SGD to deliver your order, but for your £1 a man will drive a fossil fuel consuming scooter to your over air conditioned place of work to stuff your fat face with an apple pie, 24hrs a day, 7 days a week. Nice.

Oddly, the McDonalds was full of children studying. I'm not sure if this is because the library had closed, or this is a different version of the Hamburger University that you read about but it was a bit odd. "Still", I thought. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" and pulled out my French coursework. Pass the chilli ketchup?

Chinese Villagers Show Remarkable Honesty...

From the local newspaper, it's clear that the road towards democracy in China may be a long and rocky one:

CHINESE VILLAGERS WANT BRIBERY BACK

Villagers in south-eastern China are up in arms after missing out on lucrative bribes during a recent village elections when candidates foreswore the practice at a temple, according to the Xiao Kang Communist Party magazine, reported Reuters. Villagers in Dingmei in Fujian province said they preferred getting the 1,000 yuan ($200) bribe from candidates rather than have a clean election, it said.

Star Guitar

I realised (too late) that I should have used The Chemical Brothers 'Starguitar' as the music for my train video if only to stay in keeping with their video. Re-watching the video I thought it was worth posting as it's pretty cool. The video describes a journey as seen from a train window, only the disposition of each passing element in the landscape is positioned exactly in sync with the music.

Every sound from the track is illustrated by an element of the landscape that appears each time that sound is heard. As the song becomes more elaborate, the landscape created becomes more and more complex. I think it bears a couple of watches.

All aboard

One of the things that I had wanted to do since starting to read about Singapore was to take the Orient Express from Singapore to Bangkok. I'd kind of filed it at the back of my mind so it was pretty surprising when some people we had met here invited us to go with them on the trip just after Chinese New Year. Given that the E&O company offers a 25% discount it seemed rude not to, so one day after arriving back from Bali we were packing our bags again.

As you can see our timing couldn't have been better. We had armed guards on the train at all times, just in case.

As the others waited to board, I took a walk up the platform to see the train. I'd obviously been expecting the train to look like the Hogwarts Express, but sadly it was a lot more practical than that, though given the size of the train I had to admit that it made sense. Each carriage has been beautifully built to the most opulent standards using the finest materials (I sound a bit like the brochure here). On our journey there were 11 sleeping cars, plus the bar car, the 2 dining cars, the lounge car, the observation car, the library car and the merchandising opportunity aka the boutique. It takes about 10 minutes to walk from one end of the train to the other. One of my favourite in train devices was a little hook for keeping the toilet seat raised. I guess the only thing that this proves is that train designers were men, but to me it speaks volumes.

Personally speaking I love train journeys (as long as I get a seat, the Tube doesn't count) and there was something extremely satisfying about doing a journey that you can make in a couple of hours by plane and stretching it out to be 48 hours long. It felt more like exploration harkened back to the days of Singapore just becoming established and a bit more like I thought that being in Asia might be like. It also makes the journey become the trip and less like a mode of just getting there. It seems so easy to jump onto a plane and be almost anywhere in the world in at most a couple of days. Although this doesn't explain how packages from America are taking a month to get here airmail.

Life on board is pretty easy and in some ways I felt a bit uneasy because the service was so good and omnipresent. Each sleeper car had a steward who looked after your every needs, brought you breakfast in bed, transformed your carriage from day to night (beds fold down out of the walls etc). Everywhere were staff who brought you drinks and snacks and each dining car had many waiting staff. Basically, what it all boiled down to is that this is the way that the colonists used to travel and it felt a bit wrong that Britain would march into any country that their mineral wealth took our fancy and then create a 5 star hotel atmosphere for themselves to boot. The other factor is that, as any fan of John Hughes movies knows, you come from the wrong side of the tracks and we're not talking about mountain tracks here. Perhaps naively I had a vision of the train passing through lush verdant jungle with monkeys swinging from tree to tree alongside the train and the odd parrot here and there. The reality is you also get to travel through some of the poorest areas of Malaysia and Thailand (Bangkok especially) and it feels a bit wrong to be sitting there with a gin and tonic while people are living in shacks by the train lines. Although it should be noted that our steward was called Weenus, which did make me laugh.

I mentioned the library car, and one of the things that I found there was this picture from an old newspaper. OK, ok, you caught me out. I persuaded everyone to dress up to the nines for dinner and managed to get quite a nice vintage look going. It's not exactly the Bethnal Green Working Mans club but it was nice to be dressing up again. The staff all thought that we looked fantastic and some of the other guests were impressed as well. The train had requested a jacket and tie and evening dress for ladies, so it was great to see this German couple who wore the same casual clothes for the entire weekend. We nicknamed them the 'Commando couple' and you can see Mr Commando looking a lot like Mussolini here at Butterworth, our first excursion stop.

Unfortunately, and probably through lessons learnt, the train company isn't so keen on allowing the passengers a free rein to explore. I suspect more than a few of them have missed trains that way, so the format of our trip from Butterworth to Penang Island was leave train, get on coach, get off coach, walk 20 metres down a street with no side turns, get into a rickshaw and get pedalled past the sites and then get dropped back at the coach again for the return journey. I would have preferred to have been given a map and gone to one or two of the sites on my own but I guess people are stupid and can't be trusted. The line up of rickshaws was funny (in a very sad tourist way) with some of our train brethren couples being, how to put this, too large to sit in one side by side and having to have the ignominy of one to themselves... Rickshaw riders are also known as the king of the roads, mostly due to their lack of respect for the traffic laws including as we found out, red lights. This doesn't mean that the other cars stop, it just means that you get to have cars heading straight at you. Thankfully it's all part of a system and no-one seems to get hurt.

Butterworth pretty much marks the end of Malaysia and to be honest I was looking forward to Thailand more. Malaysia is somewhat over exploited from a natural resources perspective and although we did get to pass through some of that dense jungle as the pictures show, for the most part the rainforest has been torn down and replaced with palm oil plantations. Biofuel car users take note. Where do you think bio diesel comes from..? Yes, your eco cars are helping the demise of the rainforest. Thailand on the other hand has replaced their forests with rice plains, which are much more picturesque, so that's ok then.

It's probably worth mentioning how nice the food was that we had on the train and considering it comes out of the same sized kitchen as a train in the UK, makes me wonder exactly how the food there can continue to be so sub-standard. From time to time we got a peek into the myriad of cupboards and what have you that contained a jigsaw of tools, food storage and wine cellars that keep the train moving in the manner to which it is accustomed.

The second excursion was to the 'Bridge over the River Kwai', providing the other tourists with an unexpected photo opportunity to get some pictures of the Orient Express crossing the bridge. Sadly due to a few delays en route although we were given the benefit of a free run of the museum and the war cemetery we didn't have a great deal of time to look around both, although both were very interesting. Ayako, a Japanese member of our party said she found the history side of the story very interesting and something that she hadn't really been aware of.

The really big difference that we observed between Thailand and Malaysia is that the people you pass all wave and smile at the train (particularly if you are on the open sided observation car) even in the Bangkok suburban slums. If you look at any of the pictures from the end of the trip you'll see the genuine smiles of welcome that we were flashed as we rolled past.

I uploaded a lot of photos here for this trip, as it was a bit special to me. However if you want to see an edited highlights video then click here.

You can also see the 'official' E&O video here, it gives you a good idea of what the trip is like. Obviously they spent a bit more on thier video budget than me...